Submissive Desires
The "Acid Tests" guide for potential Dominants
©DrSpankenstein
Introduction
The term ‘Acid Test’ is an old prospecting term. A powerful acid can
dissolve most base metals in a matter of minutes. However, gold will
stand up to most acids. So the ‘Acid Test’ was an easy way for people
to make sure they had a real nugget of gold and not a lump of the
‘fool’s’ variety. In the same way, these tests are meant to be quick
ways to identify fake Dom's. Passing all these tests is no guarantee
either, there is no replacement for getting to know your prospective
partner as well as possible BEFORE YOU EVEN MEET IN PERSON.
Now most of these tests are designed in mind for a submissive female
trying to sort through men claiming to be Dom's online. They are
largely based on the many questions I get asked by my female friends
still searching for a Dominant partner. Some of them can probably be
used by male subs as well, but for the most part, these tests are best
for ferreting out male fakes. Vanilla males are usually after ‘easy
sex’ and this motive makes them easier to identify than a lot of the
fake Domme's out there.
Step One: Do the Math
Various estimates and surveys have placed the ratio of true (i.e.
natural) male sexual Dominants to female sexual submissive's at about
one to ten. However, a quick count in any given BDSM oriented chat
room would lead you to believe that male Dom's outnumber the subs at
about two to one. Now if there is actually only one male Dom for every
ten female subs, that means that 19 out of the 20 “Doms” you see
online HAVE TO BE FAKES. Keep this in mind. There is a 95% chance that
any man you talk to online claiming to be a Dom is no such thing. This
leads us to our first rule, a rule that all statisticians and
scientists already know by heart: “When in doubt, throw it out!”
Your search for a suitable Dominant partner (especially if you are
seeking a serious long term relationship as well) could easily take
years. That’s hardly surprising, most people spend years looking for
that special lover, be they ‘vanilla’ or otherwise. So don’t be
disheartened by all these drastic ratios. BUT DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME
either. If any of the prospects you are chatting with online makes you
feel uncomfortable for any reason, drop him. Don’t give him ‘three
strikes’ or ‘extra chances to win.’ Block out his screen-name and move
on. There was only a one in twenty chance he was legitimate anyway.
Trust your instincts!
Step Two: Know Your Enemy
We call them Snerts. We call them HNG’s (Horny Net Geeks). We call
them Wannabes. We call them Control Freaks. And sometimes, tragically,
we even find some that can only be called rapists and predators. They
are all your ENEMY. Don’t bother thinking they are anything less. Even
a more or less well meaning Snert can land you in a hospital. Sexual
Dominance and submission is not for dilettantes or amateurs: Not, no,
and never! Even if he turns out to be a more or less nice guy, if he’s
not a Dom, he’s not going to give you what you really need, and he
will likely give you many things you don’t (like medical bills and
other assorted headaches).
Snerts are basically looking for easy sex. They are counting on the
(highly inaccurate) assumption that sexual submissive's are simply
‘easy lays.’ Nothing could be farther from the truth, but that doesn’t
deter them at all. They are typically middle aged to somewhat older
men. They are often married. They are usually trying to bolster their
flagging vanilla sex lives with some casual screwing around. They
target submissive's because they think that they won't make demands on
their sexual prowess (another bad assumption). They can be easily
spotted because they almost always demand or at least emphasize sexual
intercourse being a part of their ‘scenes.’
HNG’s are usually the most harmless (and yet often the most annoying)
of the enemy types. Most are teenagers and young men looking for some
quick cyber-sex or even phone-sex. They are usually pretty
sophisticated about their BDSM jargon and the ‘scenes’ they describe
to you can be pretty elaborate. Geeks do their homework. They scour
the porno sites for ideas, and hang out in BDSM chats for hours on end
learning the ‘lingo.’ The are most easily spotted because they want to
move on to cyber-sex and phone sex very quickly. They like to offer
online collars, and spend hours on end in chat rooms ‘playing’ with
their ‘subbies.’ Don’t waste your time with them.
The second most dangerous type of enemy is the Control Freak. Control
freaks are what most psychologists and therapists call ‘controlling
personalities.’ They are the type of person that wants to be in
control of everything around them. They want all their family and
friends to behave exactly as they say. They are extremely manipulative
people. These men can be dangerous because many really have convinced
themselves that they are Dominants as a way to justify their
dysfunctional lives. Many inexperienced submissive's find themselves
‘naturally’ attracted to these men because outwardly they seem so ‘in
command’ of things all the time. The truly ironic (and sad) thing is,
a controlling personality is actually the closest thing to the
OPPOSITE of a sexual Dominant.
Controls Freaks can be spotted because they often talk about ‘taking
care of you’ and also ‘knowing what’s best for you.’ They almost
always try to play on your emotions; especially guilt. They also
usually criticize and even resent the advice you get from other
people. They often talk about 24/7 D/s relationships without going
into any details about what kind of actual scenes they play. They are
fond of telling you that they prefer the ‘mental aspect’ of Domination
and submission. They tend to be both demanding and argumentative.
Nothing you do will ever be ‘quite right.’ While all this may seem
very repulsive and easy to avoid, be on your guard, the average
control freak often seems very charming initially. Once they have
their ‘hooks’ into you its very hard to get untangled.
The last and most dangerous type of enemy is the rapist or predator.
These are the men most likely to damage or even end your life. The
truly frightening thing about these evil men it that there is NO easy
way to spot them. Rapists can be anything from bums to bank mangers,
and anyone from family members to total strangers. One in four women
has suffered an attack from this vile creature, and one in seven men
as well! There motive is violence. The best defence is never make
yourself too vulnerable.
To defend yourself from predators, learn all the ins and outs of
setting up a good Safety Net. Follow these procedures religiously.
Most important of all TAKE YOUR TIME getting to know your prospective
play partners. This is good advice in any case. If you know your
partner well, you’re more likely to have a good time with him (because
you will feel more comfortable during that first scene). Predators are
more likely to move on in search of easy prey, they do tend to be
impulsive. If a ‘dom’ you have been talking too suddenly seems to
loose interest in you after a period of time, you may have just saved
your own life. Don’t go chasing after anybody. A true Dom doesn't need
to play ‘hard to get.’
Step 3: Know your goal!
Take the time to figure out what you want. It’s often hard for newbie
subs to do this because sometimes they lack knowledge of what choices
are available to them. SO ARM YOURSELF WITH KNOWLEDGE! There are many
fine publications, books, and internet websites that cater to sexual
submissive's. So start reading! Learn about the different types of
play and how they should be conducted. Learn everything you can about
how to set up a Safety Net. Learn all the do’s and don’ts of meeting
others and playing safely. Decide what your Limits are and set them
down on paper. This may seem like a lot of homework to do in the name
of fun, but also keep in mind that that it’s YOUR ass that’s
(literally) on the line here.
Know what a real Dom acts like. Remember, you are probably a sexual
submissive because you ARE in control the rest of the time. You are
strong! Likely even ambitious as well. You have a career, or goals, or
a lifestyle that demands this high level of energy and control. So
giving away your control is a beautiful respite from everyday life.
Your power and energy are things you only want to give to someone you
trust, and in intimate situations at that. It’s a very personal thing
to you!
Well guess what, sexual Dominants are usually the compliment of this.
We are strong people too, and we do tend to be intelligent. We are
often highly trained professionals or skilled craftsmen. However, we
tend to avoid lifestyles and careers that demand we be in control all
the time. We tend to be easygoing. I have never in my life met, or
even heard of, an uptight sexual Dominant. We like being in control in
INTIMATE situations. It’s a respite from the way we live OUR everyday
lives. We are not really the opposite of you, but we are the ‘puzzle
piece’ that fits next to you snugly. In another words, don't look for
a Dom that’s exactly like you. You won’t find him. Don’t look for a
Dom that wants to run your whole life; he doesn’t exist.
ABOVE ALL, if you’re prospective Dom seems like a generally ‘nice guy’
you’re likely on the right track! Take the time to get to know him.
Don't let the five control freaks on the other side of the chat room
demand your attention. A natural Dom isn’t likely to make demands
until its time to play.
Step 4: Memorize the Acid Tests!
Test #1: When in doubt, throw it out! Don’t waste your time with
people that make you feel uncomfortable. Even if the guy was a real
Dom, if his personality makes you feel uncomfortable, he’s not going
to be fun to play with.
Test #2: “You’d better call me Sir!” is the mating call of a HNG or
control freak. Real Dom's don't have to ask for titles, we EARN them.
Most real Dom's will say things like “please, call me Mike…”
Test #3: “I want you to take my collar before you play with me.” This
is another common demand of fakes, most often made by control freaks.
They have to isolate you from other people and their advice, and
sometimes a little ole “cyber-collar” is just the thing! Cyber-collars
are worth less than the leather required to make one.
Test #4: If you get an Instant Message that says something like “On
your knees you [slave, slut, bitch, whore, etc.]” This is the mating
call of the HNG. Use some common sense here. Why waste time with
somebody that’s not even polite? There’s a time and a place for these
endearing terms, and it isn’t online!
Test #5: “I don't have to answer that question!” or “It’s not proper
etiquette for you to ask a Master that.” are examples of some the
dangerous LIES that control freaks and snerts use. This is the Acid
test I personally think is the most important! A Dom had better be
ready to at least TRY and answer every question you have, and HONESTLY
at that! It’s literally your ass that’s on the line! Never forget
this!
Test #6: “Its my way or the highway!” or words to that effect, are the
mating cry of the common control freak. Dom's can have Limits too, but
its your Limits that count FIRST. Don’t let any would-be ‘dom’ tell
you differently. Don’t let any of the wannabe subs tell you
differently either. Where Male Dom/Fem sub play is concerned, it’s
ALWAYS LADY’S CHOICE!
Test #7: Don't bother with online collars. Don't make decisions about
a prospective partner based on his online play style. It’s a very
simple test if you think about it: would a real life Dominant waste
time on cyber sex? Please take my word for it; the answer is NO.
Forget it, once you’ve done the real thing, cyber is just too damn
dull.
Test #8: Ask your prospect if he’s ever made any mistakes during a
scene. If he say’s ‘no,’ run for your life! If he says, ‘very rarely,’
at least be suspicious. Everyone makes mistakes, even if they are
experienced players. Sometimes submissive's have Limits they don't
even know about, and even the most careful and skilled Dom the world
will trip over these occasionally. Remember, according to our good
friends of the Christian faith, the last perfect guy to walk this
planet got nailed to a tree for his trouble. So expect competence, but
not miracles.
Test #9: “I’m a bank president, captain of industry, combat
photographer, self-made millionaire… yadda yadda yadda.]” Wouldn’t it
be nice to meet a rich Dom too? Sure it would! But use some common
sense too. How many captains of industry have hours to spend in an AOL
chat room? Also, think about this personality profile; if this super
successful, always-in-control person is really into D/s, he’s likely a
submissive! Worse yet, it could very likely mean he is a control
freak. I have met a lot of female submissive's that fit this ambitious
profile, but not one Dom yet!
Test #10: “I’m 33 years old, and I’ve been a Master for 15 years.” Gimme a break! What are the odds? When you ask about a Dom's level of
experience (and its a good idea to do so) remember to do the math as
well. 18 year old boys don’t care about the intricacies of D/s; they
want to get laid. Trust me on this one Ladies, I was an 18 year old
boy once! I personally believe that people do become what they are (be
it gay, straight, Dom or sub) very early in life, but it takes
maturity and training to be a Master. What are the odds a person
became a Master when they were still using Clearasil?
Test #11: Ask for references! Especially if he claims to be ‘very
experienced.’ Talk to the references ON THE PHONE. Lots of HNG’s have
female screen-names set up to act as ‘references’ for them! I notice
that a lot of newbies seem to have trouble with this concept. Which is
understandable since in the vanilla world it’s considered rude to talk
to a guy’s ex-girlfriend. But in the BDSM Scene its the opposite,
experienced players will accept and accommodate this kind of request
gladly.
Test #12: “I have three real life collared slaves right now, but you
can't talk to them.” Okay, when you consider the ratio and all, this
sounds possible. What makes this an acid test failed (and failed
miserably at that) is the last part. I have met couples (and even
triples) that really were looking for an extra person to add to the
mix. This is not uncommon at all in the Scene. But these couples were
looking TOGETHER. If a ‘dom’ has anyone already collared to them, you
probably ought to talk to her FIRST!
Test #13: “I don't need safe words.” Well of course he doesn’t! If he
said this he’s likely a snert and therefore he’s never really been in
a scene! Of course he might be a predator too, and then he wouldn't
need safewords either. Need I say more?
Test #14: “My slaves trust me to set their Limits for them.” If you
hear a “dom” say this it’s most likely because these slaves only exist
in his mind. Or worse still, his ‘slave’ is simply the victim of
spouse abuse. Even so called TPE (Total Power Exchange) and other
sorts of 24/7 (i.e. full time) BDSM relationships should involve
careful and thorough negotiation.
Test #15: "I'm Married, my wife can't know about us" If I have to
explain this one too you, you've got problems. I have played with many
married submissive's in my time, but ONLY with the express permission
(and more often than not, participation) of their husbands. Safe BDSM
requires complete honesty. You can't build a good Scene on lies. There
are plenty of people that will be willing to tell you differently; but
please note, they will all turn out to be adulterers (and hence,
liars) themselves.
Test #16: Insert your own Acid Test here. You will learn much from
your mistakes and missteps. If you form an online contact with a "Dom"
that falls through, analyse WHY it fell through. Don't make the same
mistakes twice if you can help it.
Step 5: It’s not just the men you have to screen!
Finding some female submissive's to be buddies with you on your quest
is a very good idea. Especially if they are experienced players; they
can give you unique perspectives, emotional support, and even
references to legitimate Dom's to play with. They can also, most
importantly, provide a Safety Net for you during those first meetings
with the men you meet. The benefits of teaming up with other women in
your search should be obvious!
However, be just as cautious about what you hear from other women
online as well. If you are so inclined to search for a Domme for
instance, the Acid tests should apply just as well. Be very cautious
about the women you meet online that claim to be submissive's as well.
There are a great number of female HNG’s who live their BDSM lifestyle
in the vacuum of cyber-space. Their advice and experiences are not
only useless in the real world, they can be dangerous. Another class
of “female enemy” is even more tragic and dangerous; the Victim.
A Victim is just that; a victim of physical and/or mental abuse that
uses BDSM as an excuse to continue denying the reality of her tragic
situation. These people are disturbingly common as well. They are
dangerous to you too! These women are not just full of very dangerous
advice, but they are usually very vehement about telling you that
their lifestyle is the only “real BDSM.” They can fill your head full
of doubts faster than one of the male enemy types.
Spare little sympathy, tell them to get help, and stay the heck away
from them (in exactly this order). It may seem mercenary, but it is in
fact the right thing to do. This is my training as a CASA (Citizens
Against Spouse Abuse) volunteer talking. An abuse victim can only save
herself, and then only when she is ready to do so. If you let her vent
her frustrations and fears on you, she will then go back to her
familiar little hell, leaving you emotionally drained and likely
scared too. Your quest for safe play partners is going to be tough
enough as it is. Avoid Victims completely if you can, and if you
can't, urge them to get help. It’s not your job to save the world,
keeping yourself safe and happy is enough work.
In Closing
This all seems like a lot of work. It is. Some of it sounds awfully
scary too. It should. So why bother with this quest at all? Why not
just stick “cyber only” in your profile and forget real life BDSM? Why
not just drop it all together? I can give you only one good reason;
when it is done safely, and it suits your needs, it can be the one of
the most profoundly fulfilling experiences in your life! I used to
cringe at terms like “sex magic,” but now that I know the spells, I’m
an unabashed Wizard! Besides, any student of psychology can tell you
that denial has its own dangers too. The easy roads are not the ones
that lead to interesting places. So arm yourself with knowledge, find
yourself some trustworthy friends to share the journey, and start
walking. Just don’t forget to bring your Acid Tests too!
©DrSpankenstein@AOL.com
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