TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas the night before Christmas
and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone,
and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted,
the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky,
by hook or by crook.

Mom in her teddy,
and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom
and reached for some lube

When out on the lawn there
arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner
and momma went dry.

Up to the window
I sprang like an elf,
tore back the shades while
she played with herself.

The moon was so bright
that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess,
something hit it real hard.

When what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
but a crooked old
sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver,
half out of his sled,
a sock in his ear,
and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking,
he was high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team,
but it didn't sound right.

"Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,
whoa Stupid, whoa Putz.
Fucking slow down or
I'll cut off your nuts."

Over the lamp post,
and don't hit that tree,
quit shaking the sleigh,
cause I gotta go pee.

"They cleared the old lamp post,
the tree got a rub,
just as Santa leaned out
and threw up in the shrub.

And then from the roof
came a hell of a splatter,
as each little reindeer
now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket
to cover my ass,
when down through the chimney
he came with a crash.

His suit was all
soaking with perfume galore,
he looked like a bum
and he smelled like a whore.

"That was some cathouse,"
he said with a smile,
"The reindeer are pooped,
so I'll hang for a while."

He walked to the kitchen
and poured up a drink,
then whipped out his pecker
and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh,
my wife smiled with glee,
the old boy was hung
nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den,
Santa reached in his sack,
but his toys were all gone,
and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found
was a black leather whip,
next were some
X-Rated video clips.

A box full of condoms
was Santa's next find,
and a six pack of panties,
the edible kind.

There were stick-on nipples,
a penis extension
and boxes of goodies
I won't even mention.

A cock ring, a g-string,
and all types of oil,
and a dildo so long
it lay in a coil.

"This stuff ain't for kids,
Mrs. Santa would shit
if you don't mind
I'll leave it here when I split."

He filled every stocking
and then took his leave,
with one tiny butt plug
tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh,
but his feet were like lead,
and he fell on his buttocks
and broke wind instead.

He cursed and got up and
climbed into his hitch,
"Let's go ya varmints,
the night's been a bitch."

The shuddering lurch slammed
him back in his chair,
and he let out a belch
as they took to the air.

Bending the lamp post
and raking the tree,
he bounced off a rooftop
and finally got free.

"I'm comin' home, woman!"
He sang with a smirk,
"so grab both your ankles,
and pull up your skirt."

MERRY CHRISTMAS