Dominants Realm
what Dominance means to me
written by ^Thunder^
Hmmm where do I start?
I first made my entry into the Lifestyle about 5 years ago, shortly
after separating from my wife. I stumbled across a spanking server on
IRC. Enjoying chatting and playing on screen I became friendly with a
sub living in the North of England who, after a few weeks I collared
on line and a couple of weeks later met and collared real life.
She was into mild BDSM and I started to explore the whole lifestyle
and experiences. Our relationship lasted about 9 months and I moved
on.
Since then I have delved deeper and deeper continually making new
discoveries. Until a couple of months ago for instance, rope was just
something to bind a sub with (although I liked photographs of Japanese
Bondage) until, at a London Based workshop, I saw the affect a rope
bra had on someone bound by MRK and I bought some rope. Over the past
couple of weeks I have been practicing on a sub (who was collared to
me in 2000 but for various reasons we split) and have both enjoyed the
experience immensely. In fact last week when I bound her in the
Japanese style demonstrated by MRK she didn't want to take the harness
off and ate her Chicken Tikka Masalla wearing it <grin>.
During 2001 I had my most intense D/s relationship having collared and
then owning, body, mind and soul, a person still precious to me. But
alas after 9 magical months I had to release her from her contract,
for reasons some know of. This relationship really brought out the
feeling of loving ownership not only of the body but the mind of the
sub, the carrying out of tasks by her every day, the reports, the
physical pleasures, the concept of "two minds one soul". At the time
we met she had had no D/s experience, had just dreamed of it since
reading "The Story of O" at University. When we parted she told me
that I had "unleashed something in her which now could not be
controlled". I wish her well.
Okay what does Dominance mean to me? Well first of all it does NOT
mean a quick entry into kinky sex, a short cut into a females
knickers. (I remember Jonathan, a US Dom at the London Based flogging
workshop, whose style I admired as it was similar to mine, saying that
if a Dom has a stirring in his trousers as he flogs, he shouldn't be
flogging). Nor, does it mean simply playing at clubs. Although I,
during 2001 played with my sub in public, we both enjoyed the
experience and I tried both to please her and those who watched - as
she in fact acts, sings and dances she really hammed up her
performances and I felt like I was playing her like an instrument :).
Dominance to me is the joining together of a Dom and a sub in a unique
way - hard to explain. A loving caring relationship, inflicting
pleasurable pain to the sub and stretching limits. I normally give
potential subs a questionnaire to complete. It was amazing how, after
a time, comparing limits with initial ones, the sub in 2001 enjoyed
things she thought she never would initially. I am not a sadist but
the look on a sub’s face as she receives and enjoys pain is something
I can't analyze nor perhaps should I (I was discussing this with the
sub I am currently playing with last week, who has just come out of a
bad D/s relationship with a Dom who used her simply for his own
pleasure - she said the difference is that she felt that I loved women
but she felt, at heart, her previous Dom didn't and simply inflicted
pain on her out of pure sadism and to humiliate her).
I suppose I am a "sensual Dom". For maybe 20 years I have enjoyed
massage, both giving and receiving, and in playing I make sure that
the sub is aware of her body, touching, stroking, and relieving as I
also inflict pain. I feel, as in massage, that touching a body brings
an intimacy to the situation (and also re-assures the sub).
To me trust and communication are essential in a D/s relationship.
Bodies are explored but so are minds. If a sub, at the mercy of a Dom,
cannot trust or communicate with him, or the 2 cannot relate to each
other, then it can be a dangerous experience for them both. Talk,
share, maybe communicate fantasies and be 100% open and honest with
each other. Release all inhibitions and discover new experiences
together. To always learn new things and not be afraid to admit that I
don't really know something. There were a few things that my 2001 sub
and I would have loved to have explored but because of the nature and
potential danger of them I would not do them unless I was experienced
(I would not have minded allowing a Dom/me I trusted and knew that
s/he knew what s/he was doing, doing them to her in my presence so
that I could gain the experience by watching).
I like to be in control the whole time during play. I know a few weeks
ago I was talking to a switch, who told me that when she Dommes she
has to build up anger. This to me is wrong. I would never play in
anger or vent out a bad day at work on a sub. Likewise to me Playing
is not just whacking a sub's arse with a collection of implements with
no rhyme or reason apart from inflicting pain, counting the welts,
admiring bruises. I prefer being in contact with her throughout the
session. Touch her and caress her as I play. Watching her reactions
and listening out for safe words BUT not just relying on them. I have
stopped playing when I have felt that the sub has had enough but
either won't or can't admit it. There is always another time to push
limits.
I like to listen to what a sub has to say. Be ready to listen to her
and her emotional needs (and most subs I have known have great
emotional needs - have something hidden in a closet which in all the
subs I have owned they have confided in me). To discover her sexual
likes and dislikes, the touches, feels and smells.
At home when I play I think the setting is also important. BDSM and
dirty dishes on a table don't always go together. In my case not only
in redecorating have I kept my BDSM interests in mind (few would
guess, I hope, why a supported rod is set over an archway or the
significance of certain fastenings or the layout of the room). I like
set a scenario with candles, indoor fountains, lighting effects,
suitable music to play by plus, in my case the hypnotic affect of
Windows Media Player visualisations in time to the music.
Finding new toys to play with and new experiences.
OK I'm drifting now - but I hope you got the drift.
Above all have safe, sane and consensual FUN.
^Thunder^ March 2002
Used with Thunders kind permission.
