BDSM & D/s
Master v Abuser
Written by trinity_s
I suppose to some there is no difference between the
two labels, after all doesn't a Master use and effectively abuse their
slave in much the same way an abusive partner does?????
Well Yes they do in some ways, yet not in others, however the difference lies in one single word.....
Consensual.
Having been subject to forced slavery to the extent that it nearly
took my life I know the difference. However to some the line may not
be that clearly defined and that can cause problems with often
devastating consequences.
I have always been submissive by nature, always wanting to please
others, always making sure everyone else was contented before, if at
all, ensuring I was. I was always drawn to Dominant personalities,
respected authority even viewed it a little different to others. It is
that nature that led me and many others to find them selves in abusive
relationships and often not realising it until it's too late to get
out.
It isn't always easy to spot the difference between a Master and an
abuser and often by the time you do you have been sucked into a
relationship and brain washed enough to find yourself seemingly unable
to get out.
The following pointers I have written to hopefully try and help new
and often, though not always, naive submissives. They are not a
statements of fact merely my views from experience.
Being apprehensive of your Master is normal and in fact healthy in a
M/s relationship however being afraid of him fear ISN'T. Being afraid
of the Man you are entrusting your well being to is not a good sign.
Living in fear is unhealthy for you and for the relationship. As I
said being wary or, cautious, or a little nervous is acceptable but
fear will ultimately destroy you.
Can you approach your Master with worries possibly even complaints?? i
mean could you go to your Master and, obviously with respect and if
deemed at the appropriate time, say "Master i am not happy with this
and this and that worries me...."? If you can and He will listen and
consider your points then you have a healthy relationship, if however
you can't or he won't allow it then something is wrong. Although a
slave/sub doesn't dictate the relationship, but they do have and
should use their voice and that voice should be heard, always.
You have failed a task for your Master; how do you feel? If the answer
is ashamed, disappointed in yourself, hurt maybe, you feel bad
because you have let him down, worried about telling Him because you
know he will be disappointed in you and that in its self will hurt
more than any crop or cane he may impose, yes? Good ! That is how I'd
feel and from others I have spoken to that seems to be the general
overall viewpoint. Are You scared of telling him, really scared?, Do
you fear not him but the punishment he will impose?, Will the
punishment hurt more than the emotions within? Bad ! Punishment
shouldn't predominantly be physical pain, it is the mindset with it
that makes it punishment. If your punishment is a physical beating
then something very definitely isn't right.
I am aware that not all couples have safe words. I for one don’t have
one but I have implicit trust in Master. However if you do have one,
is it honoured immediately? Does your stop word mean the scene or the
activity will STOP dead there and then? If so then you have no
worries, if not, if he carries on just that little bit further, time
to ask how much further will he carry on next time. Will he stop the
time after that? What’s the point of a safe/stop word if it isn't
honoured. For those that don't have a safe word, does your Master
notice you in distress, if so then what does he do? He should by
rights either stop or alter what he is doing until the moment of
distress has passed and before resuming ensure that you are safe
mentally and physically. If he does not notice you in distress then
you should consider choosing a safe word for the future and obviously
then following the guidelines above.
Degradation is enjoyed by many M/s couples and I am not about to say
it is wrong, however, if it is constant then it is damaging. As
enjoyable as it may be at times, constant put downs and/or, insults
will eventually make the one on the receiving end really start to
believe it and that again is mentally damaging. Reassurance, affection
and comforting words need to be a part of the relationship also.
Hurt not Harm, a self-explanatory statement I think but one that is
often over looked. Yes it is ok for your Master to hurt you (obviously
within reason/limits) but it isn’t acceptable for Him to harm you.
Accidents, do happen and should your Master harm you he should show
remorse not just brush it off. If you find yourself regularly harmed
then it’s time to review the relationship as. Something isn’t as right
as it should be. Harm would could be long-term damage, broken bones,
wounds (unless knife play is agreed) and not forgetting mental harm,
that's just as, if not more, important than physical harm.
After Care, do you get it? Do you get a reassuring hug and comforting
words after a scene?, Assurance that you have pleased your Master when
you have? After care isn't, as far as I am concerned, very much to do
with the physical side, yes you may need some soothing cream rubbed on
your butt after say a session with the cane, but it is more again to
do with the mental side. In scene you may well have been degraded,
humiliated, treated as a 'nothing', but afterwards you need and should
receive appropriate care. First off you should be gently lifted back
out of sub space if your mind has slipped into it and secondly you
need to be put back together mentally. You need to be returned from
the object, slut or whatever you have just been, back to being either
a person or a treasured possession, depending up on the relationship.
You need to feel safe and cared for. It is not just the Dom/me that
should be left happy and contented after a scene. If you are left
feeling empty after a scene then something is wrong,. Lack of correct
after care is damaging and will eventually start to cause you
problems.
The above are just a few idea's for you to consider, however if
something doesn't feel right then chances are it isn't and should be
at least considered and discussed with someone other than your Master.
Just because your nature is submissive that by no means gives anyone
the right to abuse you. Don't ever be fooled into thinking that you
shouldn't complain about anything, nor that you have no rights.
Admittedly within a safe, sane and consensual M/s relationship you may
not have any rights, but the moment the relationship ceases to be
safe, sane or consensual you have just as many rights as anyone else
does and you should use them. Saying "No" to your Master may not seem
possible and I know that saying "No" to my Master would cost me,
however that doesn't mean though that I wouldn't say no or possibly
worse if he instructed me to do something that would endanger me
mentally or physically (which for the record I know for certain he
wouldn't).
Becoming aware that you are in an abusive relationship isn't easy. By
the time I realised it, I had no strength left mentally or physically
to get out and I had no choice, so I thought, but to endure it for
longer. In all that relationship destroyed me and only now, several
years later, am I starting to be rebuilt.
Listen to friends, if they have reasons for concern then pay
attention, especially to those friends that are within the M/s
lifestyle.
Once (if) you do realise that you are being abused just how do you get
out?
Hopefully you will not have been drawn in too far or damaged enough to
believe you have no choice and. You must ask for and hopefully be
honoured your release. But I know it isn't always that simple....
Should you ask for release and it is refused pending time to think
followed by discussion. Make it clear that you have indeed thought
long and hard about it and have nothing you wish to discuss. The
refusal can often mean "Give me time to think of a way to talk you
round to staying". If your release is still refused release yourself !
Get out and stay out. Cease all contact and seek further help if you
are pestered by him. Sounds easy but it isn't so easy especially if
you have been sucked in or have had your self-esteem destroyed.
I cannot offer a quick fix it plan, all I can do is say that there is
no shame in asking for help and that no matter what, it isn't your
fault! Never be made to believe that.
Getting out alone is not advisable, especially if you don't feel you
have the strength. It is important that you seek help from friends,
family, professionals, anyone that will listen and help.
Used with permission from UK Essex
