BDSM & D/s
Not everyone is looking for love. But even if
you're just looking for a series of purely physical
encounters it's still worth understanding how the
emotions can come into play in your scenes.
S&M Safety Emotional Safety Issues: It's not all about the physical...
Conditions precedent for most sustainable erotic power exchange
relationships are love, mutual respect and trust. The epe game is all about
feelings and emotions. Whether you're involved in a relationship or just
engaging in a scene, the partner's emotions are always in motion. So
emotional (mental or psychological if you like) safety is just as important
as the technical and physical safety aspects.
Trust is not something you get, it's something you gain. This takes time and
effort. If you want to build a relationship with erotic power exchange
aspects in it, you need to work on it. If you're into different, short-term
or incidental contacts, trust is a problem. You may just have to believe
someone based on his or her word. That's difficult and requires
insight.
The basis of emotional safety is laid down in the concepts. But there is
more to it from the D/s viewpoint. In these exchanges the dominant has the
biggest part in this. The Dom/me has to gain trust and their charisma is
very important. A self-assured dominant will have lesser problems gaining
trust than someone who is nervous or uncertain. This is one of the major
problems for novice Dom/mes.
The Farm Model
Gaining trust and learning enough about each other requires a
lot of communication. A Dutch BDSM magazine worked out a model for such
communication that's proven to be very useful. It's called the Farm Model.
It's based on five areas that both partners should work their way through as
a minimum. Here are the basic questions.
What kind of animals will we have on our farm. Will we just stick to cows
(one single play form, like bondage), or will we also have chicken, pigs,
turkeys and other animals. In other words, what play forms do we both like
and do we - basically speaking - agree upon. This is quite the opposite from
the general start of such a discussion. Most people will start
with explaining what they DON'T want instead of they DO want. This is a more
positive approach and a better way to get things started.
Will all animals have their own restricted area (in other words
will we not mix up different play forms), will we let some of the animals share the
same area or are all animals welcome to mingle?
What do we do at the gate of the farm? Are we going to be just a
farm of our own, or do we want to share with others, are we going to let
others enter our farm?
Where do we draw the lines? What are the boundaries of our farm?
In other words, what are absolute NO GOs (not play forms but attitudes or
attributes like "rope and leather straps are all right, but no steel cuffs"
or "yes I will shave my armpits but not my intimate parts").
This is where most people start! What is "out of bounds" or on
the other side of the fence? In other words, what play forms are we not
(yet) going into?
These five questions cover the basic ground for erotic power
exchange scenes and will set out a baseline for further discussion. It sometimes
may be very helpful to write your conclusions down (some people make
contracts) so you can check and evaluate them. You will notice that over time your
attitude towards certain aspects will change. Absolute NOs will turn into
yes, yes, yes and what seemed to be very important in the beginning sometimes tends to fade away over time.
Protection Issues
Protection is another important issue when it comes to emotional
safety. A submissive usually will seek certain different sorts of
protection. Protection against other dominants, if this is the case,
protection in uncertain and vulnerable situations (like you are in the middle
of a scene and your mother walks through the front door) and sometimes
protection and guidance towards their own feelings and fantasies. As far as
their own feelings are concerned they obviously have their own
responsibility here and the Dom/me cannot and should not take over all of that but
certainly can help and guide.
In scene - Out of scene
A dominant has to understand that just because a submissive
doesn't use a safe word to stop a situation, that doesn't necessarily mean
they're totally comfortable with what's happening. "Those who do not raise their
voice agree" most certainly is NOT applicable for erotic power
exchange. You may sometimes have to explicitly ask your partners if they are still
all right, if they wants to use the safe word and sometimes you will even
have to verbally ask the question "are we in scene or out scene now?" If
you're uncertain about their responses, ask! Not using a safe
word is a
well-known beginners' problem. You have to learn that not using a
safe word
has nothing to do with pride and that you will not disappoint the dominant.
Not using a safe word, turning the scene into a disaster is simply stupid.
Abuse
Please remember that anything happening which is really against your will is
NEVER erotic power exchange but outright ABUSE. If you even have
the slightest feeling you're somehow being overpowered, if anything happens
against your will, if it doesn't feel sound, safe, sane and secure, DON'T do
it. If you have the feeling you're in an abusive relationship,
get help. Erotic power exchange is never an excuse for abuse. Nothing is.
used with kind permission from UK Essex
